Despite how much “it makes so much sense” and how much time and money you’ll save, living with someone is a serious decision to make. Don’t underestimate it. I’m on the other side and I realize that yeah, it was a big deal, it is a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if I rushed into it. This is one of those sometimes.
If you asked me if I wanted to live with someone 8 months ago, 12 months ago, or 2 years ago I would have always said the same thing– hell no. The thought of having to be around someone, good days, bad days, pms-ing, it sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. Just the thought of having to ask someone if they too want Mexican food for dinner made me cringe. But after dating for several months, we got to the point where living together was the most logical next step. Our leases were up, we were spending most of our time together, so why should we both pay rent? Why should he have to drive 2X his normal route to hang out? Things were going so well.
It made sense.
Don’t get me wrong, it still makes sense, but actually living together is a massive change for anyone who’s lived alone. Someone who spent years doing whatever they want, whenever they want. They’re suddenly thrown into the habits, the varying expectations of/for many different things, sleep patterns, the division of labor, communication styles, patience, silence, and the list goes on.
The biggest change about living with someone, for me, is that you’re agreeing (accepting?) that your relationship is at a certain level of seriousness. I’m not saying this is always the case, people live together casually, this is just my own experience. So for me, this seriousness takes it’s deepest form in decision making — thinking about another person in everything that you do, and expecting it in return.
This is where I get to my fear of narcissism. When I don’t feel thought of, my gut reaction is pure selfishness. I know, I know, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but it feels awful when he forgets about me. It’s only human to want to even the score, right? I don’t act on it 99% of the time but damn if I don’t consider it.
So what do I do? Should I act based on what’s good for me, or what’s good for the relationship? I feel at war with myself. Do I want to change for this relationship? Is that what growth is? Can I somehow do both? I’m scared of losing myself.