Eating disorders. They never fully go away – you’re never 100% recovered. I’ve been healthy — i.e. not acting on negative thoughts for years now, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that food will always occupy some of my mind-share. Some days it’s a little bit, some days it’s a lot.
Honestly, it’s a constant battle to stave away the bad thoughts that originally got me there in the first place. I am doing a lot better, but I’m realizing that better is such a relative term. I’m doing better for me. Physically I am healthy, mentally there is more work to be done. I need to accept this is a part of me. I can learn to live with it, surrounding myself with healthy friends and staying away from too much social media, but I will always carry the weight of it with me.
Yesterday I had lunch with a close friend who recently lost a TON of weight. We had lunch for two hours and it’s all I could think about. I was physically there, sprinkling in some commentary throughout our conversation that I honestly can’t remember that well, but my head had suddenly gone to the bad space I try so hard to avoid. She was so thin. I felt disgusting.
For the rest of the day, throughout the night, and as I sit here, I find myself consumed by it. Thinking endlessly about how thin she was. How thin I should be. What I can do about it. It doesn’t matter that I know there are a lot of big factors in her weight loss that actually make sense, or that I know I’m not in horrible shape. I still feel terrible about it. I’m still sitting here thinking about how thin her thighs looked. How much it showed in her face.
So I’m trying to focus on myself, my health, eating healthy, doing what I can.
Is it wrong that I’ve made the decision to avoid her? She’s one of my best friends and I know it’s selfish of me to not be a supportive, available, friend right now (side note: she is going through a lot right now, personally), but after yesterday, the need for caution and distance is so obvious.
I have to put my health first, right?